Chaotic Component
by Twilight Athena
Summary: [Lost World!movieverse] Ian monologues.


"This is our last chance at redemption," Hammond had said.

Redemption? What the hell do I need redemption for? _I'm_ not the one who attempted to play God by cloning long-dead animals to showcase in some poorly disguised theme park. Seek your own "redemption", but leave me out of it.

Except that's the irony, isn't it? I just can't be left out of this madness and stupidity. No matter where I go, this rotten incident will always hang over my back like some sort of proverbial rain cloud. "Oh, look!" Someone will say. "It's the Dinosaur Guy! I remember him from that _Skeptical Enquirer_ issue! He's that weirdo scientist!"

"_Mathematician_," I'll correct. Jesus Christ, people. There's a _difference_ between a scientist and a mathematician. For one thing, I hate science. Science branches off into experimentation and discovery, and we all know how I feel about discovery. Blah blah, raping the natural world, blah blah. You want to see the fucking Dinosaur Guy, kids? Talk to Grant. At least his field deals with dinosaurs, and I'm sure he has quite a few interesting stories up his sleeve. Far more interesting than anything I have, at any rate.

Huh...speaking of Grant, I haven't heard from him in quite a long time. Shouldn't really surprise me, seeing as the guy hates my guts. Look, I didn't _know_ you were seeing her, okay? I mean, how could anyone know? You, the stone-faced statue of a man, brooding in the back of the jeep whilst I schmoozed my way into the heart of your woman. You could have spoke up. Hell, even when I finally asked you if she was available, a simple "why?" was your only response. Fail, Alan. Total fail. Hopefully, if and when we ever meet again, I'll share that lovely bit of insight with you.

So, what were we talking about again? Oh...yeah, redemption. See, the thing about redemption is that to obtain it, you have to seek it. Or something. I'm not interested with seeking it or even the notion of it, because _I don't need it_. I'm not the one with blood on my hands, Hammond. You certainly must have realized that; why else would you have involved Sarah? Bastard. Should have known that he had some kind of trump card hidden under that robe.

Sarah. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. There's not a day that passes when I don't question why, why, why, _why_ you ever got mixed up with a guy like me. I'm crazy, remember? Dinosaurs are dead, and they have been for the last sixty-five million years, so there sure as hell aren't genetically engineered versions of them running about. It's bad pulp-sci fi rubbish, right? Why on earth would you, a beautiful, rising paleontologist, believe a loony mess like me? More so, what exactly went through that gorgeous mind of yours to even consider dating me? Heh...guess you must be nuts too, Sarah.

Nick Van Owen, Eddie Carr...you two are also insane, and I say that in a less affectionate manner. Now, don't think I want you both to be gobbled up by some reptilian monstrosity; granted, I'd be able to play the "I'm was right the whole time" game, but that's hardly fun these days. Hopefully no one will get eaten so long as they actually exercise common sense around this island, and as unlikely as that is, part of me is still expecting a high death toll. Thank _God_ Kelly isn't here. If something were to happen to her, I'd...I just wouldn't be able to go on. Call me corny, call me cliche, hell, call me a bad father. They're all pretty much true anyway. I see it that if I die here on this godforsaken rock, at least she'll still have her mother. Mom's much better at this whole parenting thing than dear old Dad ever was, at any rate.

Gripping the bars of the boat's railing as I look down at Isla Sorna's murky waters, I'm sighing. I close my eyes. And, feeling the waves grow gentle as we near the island, I can still picture that day, clear as crystal.

"_So. You two...you two dig up dinosaurs?"_

Arrogance.

"_Oh, I'm always on the lookout for the next ex-Mrs. Malcolm."_

Bitterness.

"_IAN, FREEZE!"_

Some fragment of courage.

"_Life finds a way."_

Hope. Yeah...hope. Because somehow, in some metaphorical heart, I still have hope. Hope that even on this island, Sarah is alive. Hope that my companions and I will get through this in one piece. Hope that I'll see Kelly again. Hope that I can change. I _will_ change.

"_It's not an expedition anymore, it's a rescue mission. And it's leaving right NOW."_

I will find a way.


End file.
